May 13, 2012

10 years since my Dad passed.



Today.

(I just took a deep breath)

On this day 10 years ago my world changed forever. May 13th was the day my Dad passed  away. By far the hardest day of my life. A day that will forever be in my back of my mind. A day where i lost a big part of my heart.

If you've been following my blog for a while now then you've heard me talk about my Dad and how much he still plays a huge role in my life. 

I can't believe it's been 10 years. I am so thankful to have so many amazing people in my life who have helped me get through such a difficult time. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my Dad or some sort of memory of him. I am also thankful to of had such an inspiring role model as a father growing up. His positive attitude and huge heart has been a big part of who I am today.

Today we are having a celebration of life in honour of my Dad. We've invited lots of family and friends over and we're going to tell stories about him and talk about how incredible he was! I am so looking forward to seeing so many wonderful people who knew and loved my Dad as much as all of us did. 

The anniversary this year falls on Mother's day so I'm going to do another post all about my mom tomorrow :)

Below is a little something I wrote that I hope to include in my book some day. I know it's really sad, but it's totally how I feel. Sometimes it's nice to do a blog post with some real heart. 
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The father/daughter dance.

I want to get real for a second here.

I want to share something that is sad. It's something that crosses my mind often and just thinking about it breaks my heart actually.

So, if you've been reading my blog for a while you will know that my Dad passed away just before I turned 18. It was and still is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with in my life. I know I am stronger today because of it, but I still have those days. Days where I just want to sit in my bed and cry, or look at pictures of him, dream about him, just remember him.

Since losing my Dad, every time I am watching a movie about a wedding or at a wedding and I see the father / daughter dance is coming up next, I freeze. This instantly brings tears to my eyes, makes my stomach drop and is a constant reminder about how much I miss him.

I think about my own wedding day when ever it may be, and I picture walking down the aisle on my wedding without my Dad at my side. It hurts so much that he won't be there. I wish he was here with me every single day and there is nothing I wouldn't do to have him back, even if just for one more day. And then, the dance. That dance that is so perfect and beautiful. I love seeing them at weddings and I think they are so wonderful, but every time…I can't help but think of my Dad and how badly I wish he could be there with me in that moment. 

Now when we're at weddings, and the time comes for the father daughter dance, the lights dim and the cute song comes on and there they are, Daddy and his little girl - sharing this amazing dance. Pete's so sweet and without either of us saying anything at all, he will hold my hand tighter, or pull me close to him or rub my back because he just knows. He knows how much it breaks me.

But, i know he will be there with me in spirit. I truly believe he watches over me every day and that makes me so happy.

I am going to ask my brothers to walk be down that aisle if that day ever comes :) The most amazing guys in my life. I have done my best to turn this hard experience in to something positive. I want to write a book that will help someone else get through this time in their life. I want them to find comfort in my stories and take the advice I have for them. But for now... a little advice to you -

call your dad, your mom, or someone you love today and remind them amazing they are and how much you love them.
I am thankful that I always did this and continue to do so now. It's such a special thing.


XOXO

27 comments:

  1. What a wonderfully heartfelt post <3 You had me in tears by the end :( I almost feel like I know him and how great he was after reading this and previous posts about him. I think your dad would be so proud to have a daughter as caring and positive as you! Thank you for sharing, it's very brave of you :)

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    1. thank you frances! aw. thanks for your kind words, they really mean a lot!!! i think he would be proud too! xoxo

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  2. awww julie! such love & heartbreak. so brave of you for showing us this part of your soul. in honor.

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    1. thanks teddi :) and yes, i really want to share something that makes people dig a little deeper. xo

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  3. this is such an amazing heartfelt post. i'm so sorry that you had to lose your dad at such a young age. i'm 18 and couldn't imagine going through something like that, so you must be incredibly strong and brave. xo

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    1. thanks girly :) - yeah it definitely wasn't easy. i am just thankful to have so many amazing family and friends, thank you sweetheart!

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  4. Julie this post was beautiful. I'm sorry for not commenting more often, but this post just couldn't go by without congratulating you for being so real. amazing writing and I can't wait to read a whole book like that. if thats your plan anyway!

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    1. thanks erin <3 - don't be sorry! i am so bad at commenting too. thank you so much for that, it means a lot. i am excited about getting this book going and it will be all similar to this post! a lot more focus on the positives but still.
      XOXO

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  5. I am the worst commenter ever...but today I couldn't pass up commenting here. Know that I am sending lots of love to you (and virtual hugs!). I firmly believe that we are never alone. They are always with us. You are beautiful and strong and your papa is SO SO proud of who you've become...he is with you all along the way. I know it's hard to not have him physically here, but he is always around in spirit...you have to know that! Each day is a blessing and if there is one thing important about this life it's actually living it.
    You are a strong lady and I totally appreciate that about you. I love the positivity you share each and every day...that big smile of yours says it all. ;)
    So Much Love to you sister!

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    1. wow, thank you so much beautiful lady! for such a heart felt comment:) it totally made me smile and thank you so much for all of your kind words! i think that he is definitely watching over me. thank you sOOOO much.
      xxoxo

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  6. Jules this is so beautiful! I hope you have a wonderful day with your family celebrating him. You're such a strong & beautiful girl and I'm sure he had something to do with that. 10 years is a biggie, and I just think it so wonderful that you guys are doing this. What a great way to remember him. <3 Thinking of you.

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    1. thank you kait! :) we had the most amazing day with friends and family. so special! 60 people came over and it was so wonderful. thanks for all of your kind words. it was a perfect day! xo

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  7. I know that you are having an amazing day and I also know that he is 100% there with you every single day but especially today. You have always been so good at celebrating his life and remembering him and talking of him often, that will never end. 10 years would be a tough one, not that everyday isn't...you are such a strong person and I truly believe that he had a big part in making you the amazing person that you are today.

    Love you so much!

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    1. we had such a great day caramel! it was so special. it was clear how special my dad was to everyone he knew and loved. i heard so many amazing stories about him that day - he still never ceases to amaze me! thank you so much for always being so special. you are the best. I LOVE YOU!
      xo

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  8. I've been seeing your photos on instagram of the day, and it looks like you made it such a special event and I think your father would be so so proud of you! We've never met but even just from the giveaway, from communicating with you through blogs and everything else, I know you're one of the sweetest most genuinely positive people ever - anyone can say they're being positive because they know that's how you "should" be, but it's different to BE so positive. He'd be so proud :)
    I have similar (albeit very different) pangs of sadness about weddings and big events. My parents split up and I can't help but feel as though I'm going to have to extra organize things to not create any awkward or tense situations because of it. It's not as bad, but it does kind of suck. So I can only imagine how it must feel for you <3
    Big hugs today! Keep smiling <3

    xo
    http://kittysnooks.blogspot.ca/

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    1. yeee! i posted so many pics that day, lol. you are SO sweet!!! thank you so much k. honestly, so amazing! i totally feel you about the wedding thing. that is really tough and it's something us girls can't help but think about. i guess we will just need to focus on all the positives and special parts of that day to get through!
      thanks for that comment!!!
      xoxox

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  9. What a beautiful post. Huge hugs to you lady. Your dad would be very proud of what a positive, eloquent and graceful woman you've become.

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    1. thanks so much mel! that is so sweet of you :) xoxoxo

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  10. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. This was a very sweet post and I'm sure your father is very proud of you! *hugs*

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  11. Awe Julies...I can't imagine my Dad is my Best Friend& sometimes I tell him I hope I go before you so I don't have to feel that pain of losing you...but I guess their never lost. He is with you...yesterday, today, tomorrow& will definitely be with you during your walking down, the dance, and Forever. You are such a Beautiful Ray of light in your blogs! Much Love&Prayers.

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    1. THANK YOU brooke! that was such a beautiful comment and i am so thankful for all of your kind words! awwww, that makes me so happy to hear that i am a ray of sunshine? best compliment ever!
      xo

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  12. This is a lovely post, Jules! I'm so sorry that you lost your Dad so long ago... but I know that he's with you all the time!

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you are so cute! thanks for commenting:)