15 years without my Dad.

Fifteen years ago today my life changed forever as I got the news that my Dad had passed away. Just like that our worlds came crashing down. I can't believe how clearly I remember that day. 

If you've followed along on my adventures over the years online, you've most definitely seen me post about him. Even though he's been gone for so long, he's remained such a huge and important part of my life (and always will) It's not just this day, or Father's Day, his birthday or Christmas - it's every other day in between.

It's weird though. In some ways, it feels like it's been forever, and in others it feels like it was just yesterday. Regardless, it's something I am always thinking about. So many moments, big and small that make me think of him. Some things are hard to believe, like the fact that my Dad never got to meet Pete, or the rest of the new members of our family, like my niece and nephew.

There's pieces of him everywhere around me. Of course in his photo's, and old letters and cards, but also in my brothers, my uncles, and in me. I miss him every day, every holiday, every year that goes by. This past few years even more so as I got engaged and then married. For years, the thought of this happening without him just broke my heart. Having my Dad be part of our wedding day ended up being one of my favourite parts about planning it. I found a bunch of ways to honour him and it was so special to have both Pete and I and all of our friends and families be a part of that.

Walking down the aisle to "She's a Rainbow" was all in honour of him. The matches as part of our favour was what my parents had as their favour. Having my brothers walk me down the aisle was one of the most special moments of my life! Having photo's of my Dad and a hand written letter to him, and then dedicating parr of my speech to him.

Here's a little part of the letter I wrote to him and what I said in my speech
“You’re my biggest inspiration. I wake up every day the happiest girl in the world as a reflection of the love you gave me. I will forever be the happy, positive, colourful girl you brought up and will do my best to spread love and happiness to everyone I meet. Your spirit lives on in so many of us and we are constantly reminded how full of love & life you were.”

Some people who have experienced the loss of a parent have asked me how I deal/dealt with everything, or when it gets easier. But the truth is, it doesn't get easier. You just get better. You learn to live a life of love and happiness without them, even though at times it seems impossible to do so.

I made the decision to always be the same girl my Dad knew. Sure, I would grow and evolve and change. But no matter what, I'd continue to live a life of adventure, positivity and happiness for myself and anyone in my life. I think about how happy it would make my Dad to see me live my life this way. The way he did.

So after 15 years? How does it feel? Well, I still think about him every single day. Right after my Dad died I read "A Prayer for Owen Meany" in class and I will never forget how this one quote from the book made me feel. It was so perfectly accurate, and it's still the best way to describe losing someone so important to you...

“When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose her(him) all at once; you lose her(him) in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her(his) scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her (his) closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her(him)that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she's (he's) gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.” 


Thinking of him even more than usual today and Love Ya Always.
xo